So.. this is about to get really personal, and probably boring. But after a long dilemma draped with sorrow, questions, and regret I have found my answer and feel I need to share. For whatever reason for the last couple months I have felt unsatisfied with who I am. I found myself comparing me to all the amazing people that have helped shape my life. My siblings were a mile ahead in a race where I was back pedaling. My friends seemed to be rock climbing, and I was looking up from below in awe. Everyone around me that I love so much seemed to be progressing in their lives in amazing ways and I felt as though I was a duck stuck in mud, pedaling hard, only to be staying still or pushed back by the current. I want so badly to do something amazing in my life, to please my Heavenly Father, to further my knowledge and education, to help out a friend, to be the perfect mother and wife... and yet as much as I try, my mistakes are big and often, and my lacking all to present. I hated being a tryer.. someone who has little effect on those around them and isn't making the fullest of their life, and yet I felt like I was trying my hardest but it wasn't good enough. I was sad, and disappointed in myself. All I do is stay in home with my one child... I'm not working, going to school, I can't even keep a spotless house.
Then, a few things happened...
1. I looked at Jaylee. This is a girl who loves her mom. I am nearly her everything. When she gets hurt, she wants her mom. When she is happy, she wants her mom. When she is scared, tired, hungry, curious... she wants her mom. She wants me by her side wherever she goes. She loves me unconditionally and thinks of me probably as I think of many of you. She thinks I'm amazing. What a privilege it is to have some one love you so much!! (for the record, she loves her daddy and wants to be with him as well)
2. I prayed to discover myself again. The happy, outgoing woman who was proud of what she was doing. I have always felt proud of my divine nature, but wanted to live up to be the queen I knew I was meant to be. Last night, I received an answer to prayers. Right after praying, I picked up an "Ensign" that talked about losing yourself in the service of others, and progressing in spiritual education. Then, President Uchtdorf spoke at the women's conference last night as though he was speaking just to me. He spoke about feeling inadequate. I cannot even tell you the rest of what it was about, but I felt like it was for me.
I know Heavenly Father answers prayers. I am grateful he is willing to love me, a "tryer". I am also grateful for the wonderful examples in my life. I'm not all the way there, but am discovering who I am.
Mowgli Plays High School Basketball
4 years ago
8 comments:
Dearest Chalece,
I know who you are, and have been amazed at your growth the past few years, from a teenager to a wonderful, talented, mother and wife. You have been amazing to me, all that you have taught Jaylee. She owes much of her intellect to a dedicated mother, willing to give up what the world wants a woman to have, to nurture and help someone else grow. You have taught me many things in your early years of marriage and I respect "your respect" of Mike, and of his family. Your sisters love you deeply and look up to you a "climber". They want to be with you and love time with you.
Our lesson yesterday was on abuse in Relief Society. One of the strongest impressions that I came away with, was how Satan would try his best to discourage and depress us. He doesn't want us to accomplish our eternal missions. He wants to thwart us in any and everyway he can. He wants to damage our self esteem. Especially mothers of a royal generation. How easy his task would be if he can get mothers to bail or give up. He has done a great job of that in the past few years. Don't let him discourage you.
I also see the women who must compare themselves. Another tool of Satan. Be happy with who you are, where you are right now.
I loved President Uchtdorf's talk also. Very unique. He praised us for any and every talent that we possess. Even if it didn't include piano keys or a paintbrush. I love the parable of the talents. He wasn't proud of only the one who developed 5 talents, he loved the one with two and was pleased. He only felt grief for the one who buried their talent. I know lots of women more talented than myself. I've never been a Relief Society president, primary president, y.w. president, or any other organizational person, but I am "good kitchen help", and I love children. I am able to be the homefront, when Dad is gone with all of his church responsibilities. I would rather it be this way.
Dad loves to watch Relief Society meetings also. We kid him, but I told him President Uchtdorf was worth listening to. Too many women degrade themselves or each other, instead of accepting each other for the gifts we have been given.
I haven't been able to keep a clean house my whole life either, but I have been able to participate in lots of service I would have missed out on, because of the need to keep a perfect house. For example Grandma and Lamont. I won't remember the dirty dishes and piles of laundry etc., but I do remember the things I learned with them during their last few years of life here.
Keep scrapbooking, you are miles ahead of me and much more creative than most. These will be great memories for Jaylee and others depending on you and your love.
Well, this is probably way too long, but know that I love you and am very proud of the person you are becoming. Run from those who degrade you, because your Heavenly Father knows the real worth of your spiritual being.
Love,
Mom
Chalece! How dare you think you don't measure up to some crazy expectation that you've set for yourself. You're absolutely incredible and a hero to me! I'm amazed at your skills of being a mother. Every time we see you Alex asks me if I'll be as cute of a mom as you are and play with our kids and take such good care of them.
You're a great example and a spiritual strength for me. I wish that I could convince you to move in next door to me and teach me everything you know and spend a lot more time around you because you are a strength to me and make me so happy. You said you already have figured this out but just continue to do your best and choose to be happy. Don't try to guess what others think of you because it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks and you will probably be wrong anyway. I don't know a single person who doesn't just think you're wonderful and kind. Also never forget all those whose lives you've touched by your example and strength. I love you!!
Chalece, I don't think anything I say will help you feel 100%, but here goes. You know, EVERYONE feels that same way! I have had a hard time with that same thing lately! Relief Society broadcast couldn't have come at a better time for me either. I am glad that you are feeling a little better=) It always helps me to serve those around me as well. Jeff taught me that at the beginning of our marriage, and I have relied on that ever since. It's always good to get great reminders (like what Pres. Uchtdorf taught).
YOU are amazing! "It shows in your face." Maybe pick up a copy of 'It Shows in You Face' by Sister Dalton. It's a great reminder of the lessons we learned in Young Womens. Many people look up to you! You are so great to even think about this, and grow and change to become who you want to be! Some don't ever do that. Good luck with your quest. P.s. what your mom said was very special! She is wonderful=)
Chalece--
You are one of the people I look at and wish I could be like them. I felt like I was reading about my own feelings and thoughts as I was reading your post...and I look up to you the way you talked about looking up to other people. I wanted so desperately to be able to hear the Women's Conference on Saturday, but ended up at Urgent Care instead, but I know that Heavenly Father loves us and hears us. I think one of Satan's strongest tools is to have us feel discouraged and like we are not living up to what we should.
Know that I look up to you and wish I could be like you. I admire your strength and your ability to befriend others.
Sharon
Hey sis,
You are amazing. We really do love you and are grateful for your influence in our lives. Let me count the ways...Well, I just don't have enough time in the week to start, but believe me you are great. Even the Lord God omnipotent had one of his chosen witnesses speak directly to you to let you know that, that is pretty cool, I hope one day I will qualify for that experience.
Since I'm writing I thought I would share a couple things that have helped me figure out who I am.
1. After searching for years to figure out who I am, and not really having the success I wanted, I was walking to my car at the MTC when I read an elder's shirt that said, "life is not about finding yourself, it is about creating yourself" That quote, quoted by one of the brethren, has changed the way I look at things. I get to decide who I will be, I get to choose, the Lord has given me that ability.
2. At the end of the day when I still am not quite the person that I am trying to be, in my prayers I tell the Lord what I did during the day, and hopefully every night I can tell him that "I did my very best", "I may have fallen short of my goals, but I did my best" and then it is easy for me to rest easy knowing that the Lord will help me to do better tomorrow.
So, there is some input that you didn't ask for, but that I love to share.
Thanks for all you do, keep on keepin on.
Love,
Your Brother
Chalece Mike and Jaylee,
I love you guys sooooo much!!! I'm way excited to see you guys in December and maybe November. Are you doing well down there? How's the heat? Are you surviving? Well see you soon. love, al
Hey! I'm sure I cant help much with this but you are wonderful! Your not just a mom of one sitting at home and not being able to keep your house clean! It's because you play with Jaylee! You don't leave her be all the time to clean! Thats a good mother! As long as you don't have mold growing on your dishes your great! AND you've watch my little Brinley and brought us dinner! You are doing wonderful service and I KNOW that Heavenly Father is very Pleased with all your doing! Your a WONDERFUL person and friend!
LOVE YA!
Chalece, I am so grateful to know you. I see you with your little girl and I am grateful for the mother that my granddaughter has. I see how you act with Michael and I am grateful for the wonderful woman he has chosen for his wife. I wish I could have been more like you when I was just starting my family. I think we all have feelings like this at one time or another, and it is Satan working hard to get to us. We just have to fight him hard and not let him get us down. Like Bro. Uchtdorf said, service is an important part of our lives and an important part of the gospel. We love you very much, and are very happy that you are a part of our family.
Love, Vickie
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